I’m seated at the dinner table—the last notes from “Margaret” by Lana del Rey ft. Bleachers fade out from my laptop speakers. I have wet cheeks. “Cause when you know, you know. When you know, you know...” I don’t know. I have never known. I thought I did. I got it all wrong. It’s been so long it doesn’t even hurt anymore. Still, I wonder, will I ever know?

I keep thinking about Jack Antonoff’s interview with Zane Lowe’s for Apple Music. He said something along the lines of “empathy to apathy.” It made me think about how there are times in life when intense feelings can lead to loss of sensation. To feel a stranger in your own body. Someone whose emotions feel so far away from you, that you can’t even recognize them as your own.

Either for self-preservation or a change of heart, I am trapped in a cycle where I go from feeling too much to detaching from anything that makes my blood hot and my chest hurt.

Lately, nothing around me feels substantial. It’s like I’m outside of my body, looking down as someone who is supposed to be me goes through life. January feels stagnant, motionless. No, that’s not true. Not for the rest of the world. Everyone else is moving. Life doesn’t stop for anyone. I just feel numb through it all.

Wake up, feed the cats, scroll, eat breakfast, scroll, call mom, go to the gym, scroll, try to write, fail, scroll, scroll, scroll. Repeat. Helplessness all around. Stop. Look inside. Hate what I see. Scroll to not think. Exhaust every option. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I know better than to give in to January’s hysteria, especially in the early hours of the morning or late at night. The beginning of the year is bleak for most of us; everyone is trying to stay afloat while a myriad of unfortunate events take over the news. I remind myself we are all going through it. That time will pass anyway.